The 10 Worst Films of 2013

Even though I love watching movies, there are times when certain films make me want to scream and wish for their destruction. Sometimes "hate" isn't even a strong enough word to describe my distaste for select films. But I always have to give credit where credit is due for two reasons:

1. It takes a great effort to get a film made, and anybody who does that is extraordinary in their own unique and creative way.

2. Even bad films need recognition. That way they won't be seen and it'll encourage the creators to wake up and try again. Learning from your mistakes is the best way to succeed in the world. 

With that said, here are the 10 (actually 12) worst films of 2013.

10. Machete Kills (dir. Robert Rodriguez):

Can we forget about Spy Kids or The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D? Robert Rodriguez is a talented filmmaker who has his fair share of hits and misses. His book Rebel Without A Crew: Or How a 23-Year-Old Filmmaker with $7,000 Became a Hollywood Player is absolutely inspiring. Machete Kills, the follow up to the exciting Machete (2010), is a complete dud. Rodriguez's film fails because it follows the same plot line and conventions that made the first film such a success. Danny Trejo is still the perfect (and only) person to play the title character, but it feels like he is being cheated here with tacky dialogue, over-the-top action, and a lazy attempt at rehashing the brilliance of the first film. The film is packed with a handful of cameos, none of which actually bring much substance to the story. Hopefully, Rodriguez and gang can get it together with the third film, Machete Kills Again: In Space. 

09. Riddick (dir. David Twohy):

I love the first two movies in the Riddick Trilogy (Pitch Black & The Chronicles of Riddick). Unfortunately, the third film in the series is a complete bore. What makes Riddick such an interesting character is his interactions with other people and the trouble he creates. The first third of the film is spent with Riddick on his own, discovering the new planet he inhabits. The second half serves no purpose to the overall premise because it is spent in the company of a small number of people who constantly bicker amongst each other while Riddick is rarely, if ever seen. Things only begin to heat up in the final act when the surface of the planet is overrun by malicious bloodthirsty creatures. Even then, the action is minimal and more time is spent talking about who is going to take Riddick into custody. A humorous performance is given by Katee Sackhoff, but that isn't much in the scope of the entire film. There are supposedly going to be more Riddick features. Let's hope that this film doesn't set back the production of a once interesting series. 

08. Mama (dir. Andrés Muschietti):

Enough with jump scares. Please. They are ineffective, predictable, and rarely work. Mama follows about every horror convention conceivable in its attempt to disturb audiences. Yes--we are saddened by neglected children who have become ferocious "wild-childs," and Jessica Chastain does look great with jet black hair--but who cares? If the ending of your film can be uncovered within the first ten minutes, then why bother showing us the next hour plus? Guillermo Del Toro is one of the great filmic minds of the 21st century. His film Pan's Labyrinth is marvelous, and the two Hellboy films are great fun. But almost everything he produces (including Don't Be Afraid of the Dark) have been lackluster. Mama tries so hard to create an eerie gothic atmosphere, but more often than not, the sheer stupidity of the characters make us laugh when we should be cowering in fear. 

07. Insidious Chapter 2 / The Conjuring / A Haunted House (dirs. James Wan / Michael Tiddes):

What can be said about James Wan? He hasn't done anything interesting since the release of the original Saw film back in 2004. The follow-up to the first Insidious film once again treads familiar ground in the filmmakers hopes that we will be unnerved by bumps in the night, spooky ghosts, and slamming doors. Although the Insidious films are purely for those that scare easily, there is an interesting facet of the movies that I wish they'd explore more in depth: The Further. This is the world beyond our own, inhabited by those that have died. If writer Leigh Whannell could find a co-writer, maybe he'd discover that the focus of the film is not where it should be. It is obvious that Wan has a good measure of talent: he has an eye for crisp cinematography and detailed set design. But if you can't manage to scare the audience in a horror movie, then everything else has been wasted. 

The Conjuring is Wan's second film of 2013 which finds him once again in the company of possession and Patrick Wilson. It seems as if Wan can't move past his obsessions with ghosts and possession. 2007's Dead Silence proved that Wan and Whannell weren't capable of spooking audiences with possession, so why would Wan continue down the same path with a boring script by Chad and Carey Hayes? The Conjuring wins the award for the least scary movie of 2013. In fact, it even fails at being an interesting family drama. The audience is greeted once again by flying objects, crashing sounds, and darkness...oh the darkness. Like Insidious and Insidious Chapter 2, the film fails to find a concrete focus that makes the audience care about the characters. The most interesting people in the film are Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga as the Warrens; real-life paranormal hunters who have explored numerous cases. They are instead given a backseat in favor of a dull family that doesn't get the clue to move out of the house and into a hotel. So what if your savings are tied up into the house! If bad s**t is happening, MOVE OUT! Attention writers: Horror can actually be interesting and scary if characters break convention and cliché. 

Not much can be said about Marlon Wayans. White Chicks (2004) is one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures, and the first two Scary Movie films are delightful. And that's where my love for anything Wayans ends. A Haunted House is a spoof on the largely successful Paranormal Activity series and the film that too many people saw, The Devil Inside. Although there are moments when the characters make us laugh, we begin to grow tired of the antics, racist jokes, gay slurs, and predictable comedic routes. This moment also gives me the opportunity to once again remind myself and everybody that David Koechner is not funny. He is creepy and gross: the combination which never equates to humorous. Enough people unfortunately saw the film that a sequel is now in the works. Oh goody. 

Paranormal films this year evidently all had one thing in common: boredom. 

06. Oblivion (dir. Joseph Kosinski):

Kosinski was one to watch after directing the wildly exciting Tron: Legacy in 2010. Oblivion finds the director and Tom Cruise on a post-apocalyptic Earth after an alien war. The sad thing about Oblivion is that it has a fine cast and stellar production values. The trouble lies within a dull script that never manages to get off the ground and ever be wholly original. Writers Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn spend more time paying homage to classic Science Fiction films then they do constructing an interesting and compelling world for the characters to inhabit. Oblivion would've worked better if it wasn't trying to be so showy and serious as the filmmakers tried to draw our attention away from a weak script. This is a classic example of too much style over substance, that after a while, becomes overbearing and glaringly obvious. Science Fiction in some ways is meant to attract our attention to the problems of modern day issues and hopefully allow us ample opportunity to right our wrongs. It feels like the writers of Oblivion were fans of classic Science Fiction movies more than actual intellects of the genre. Finally, if you're going to make a reference to a Science Fiction film, don't let it be anything directed by Roland Emmerich. Independence Day is not something that we need to be reminded of. 

05. The Lords of Salem (dir. Rob Zombie):

"God hates The Lords of Salem" belts out Rob Zombie on his classic track from the album Educated Horses (2006). The Lords of Salem film actually felt like hatred from a malevolent God for unknown reasons. Maybe it's because the Salem Witch Trials have been glorified and drawn on for countless scripts over the years. It could be because Sherri Moon Zombie shouldn't be an actress. Or it could be because Zombie was stealing J.J. Abrams' signature style of anamorphic lens flares. Whatever the reason may be, The Lords of Salem is an acid trip that I never wish to take again. With an incomprehensible script, tedious pacing, grotesque imagery, and bad performances across the board, Zombie's film fails on basically every level. Both being fans of Zombie's previous efforts (Halloween, Halloween 2, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, and The Haunted World of El Superbeasto), my brother and I were looking forward to seeing what madness Zombie would create on screen this time. By the time the film ended, we (along with the two film student/Zombie fans seated behind us) were utterly confused and repulsed. It has been mentioned that Mr. Zombie was trying to create a more psychologically disturbing atmosphere more than a traditional horror film with The Lords of Salem. The only thing I could find disturbing in this film besides the explicit sacred imagery was the fact that Satan was actually boring. That's about as bad as burning toast. 

04. The Purge (dir. James DeMonaco):

Hands down The Purge could have been the most interesting film of the year. The premise: United States circa 2022 is now peaceful with no crime or unemployment. The savior is a program known as "The Purge." A 12-hour event that occurs once a year when all laws are negated and people cause havoc, commit crimes, and even murder other people; all for the sake of releasing bad energy. DeMonaco's film explores a single family's experience during The Purge and how they manage to either survive or perish. Problem one: this feels like a more sophisticated version of Bryan Bertino's frightening film The Strangers and even the hilariously scintillating You're Next, but without any tension or much originality. The Purge suffers from a bland script that chooses to focus all of its attention towards the generic home invasion premise. The interesting aspect of the film is The Purge itself and how it has become implemented. But all we're given are a few lines at the beginning of the film about how it came into effect. The majority of the film is spent hiding in dark corners with the murderers casting shadows throughout the house and making dopey threats on the protagonists lives. There also comes a point when making threats on the lives of children in brutal and sadistic ways becomes tasteless. Some may say that this is the point of The Purge: a film that is meant to show us how dark and evil humans are. On the other hand, these may just be the twisted fantasies of writers who actually want to commit said crimes. I'm not a proponent of making horror and slasher films any more violent than they already are, but with the films being made today that are trying to make a sociological statement, true nihilism may be a more suitable ending than the predictable "we'll all move on" conclusion. 

03. The Great Gatsby (dir. Baz Luhrmann):

Loved Moulin Rouge!, hated Romeo + Juliet. Baz Luhrmann is a director of self-indulgence and over stimulation. Not being a fan of the book itself, I wasn't expecting much from this new adaptation of The Great Gatsby. There is more glitz and glamour in this film than there is at any fashion week, which coincidentally, overrides any of Fitzgerald's text. Plagued by an overabundance of style, The Great Gatsby fails to make anything moving out of its somewhat interesting story. For all of the deception that flows through the DNA of the movie, Luhrmann's approach is tedious and repetitive. Carey Mulligan is a fine young actress, but she is almost unbearable to watch as she dons a lousy accent and chases after the pompous Jay Gatsby (played by Leonardo DiCaprio). DiCaprio has shined in certain films (Blood Diamond and What's Eating Gilbert Grape?), but here he is mopey and unconvincing as the man searching for the elusive and mysterious Daisy. Characters don't mean much in this movie. The only thing that matters is what they wore to the party.

02. 21 & Over (dirs. Jon Lucas & Scott Moore):

Jon Lucas and Scott Moore are two incredibly talented gentlemen. By no means do I think they got lucky when they penned The Hangover. It takes true talent to be funny and these two guys are undeniably funny. They just can't seem to get back on track after failures like The Change-Up and 21 & Over. The simple lesson we should take away from the writing in 21 & Over is that recycling a once successful premise rarely works twice. This film is basically the teenage mashup of all the mishaps that occur in The Hangover films. Miles Teller and Skylar Astin are two good young actors, but their talents are wasted here in favor of projectile vomiting, genetalia jokes, and blatant sexism. Teenage roughhousing in film has gone to the extreme with features like Project X, and in all reality, they perpetuate the same jokes and themes. Comedy is at its best when there are likable characters, strong witticism, and puns that we haven't heard 100 times before. I laughed not once in this film because I'd heard all the jokes before and could tell you the ending in the first five minutes. Movies like this feel like an insult to the intelligence of the audience. We deserve better. 

01. Man of Steel (dir. Zack Snyder): 

Man of Steel is the type of superhero film that gives superhero films a bad name. This is a pretentious film that seeks to reinvent what the superhero genre could become. It believes in being outside of the box in its approach to storytelling, only to find itself in a pool of complete banality. Although I champion originality, Man of Steel is a film that strives to be so original that it comes across as a complete joke. Clark Kent/Superman (portrayed by the emotionless Henry Cavill) is a travesty to the once spectacularly vibrant character who possessed an intriguing personality. Here is a character so thoroughly dreary that you actually begin to root for the villain. Unfortunately, even the villain in the film, General Zod (the brilliant [but not here] Michael Shannon) is a laughable mess who basically parodies his own actions. Amy Adams is horribly miscast as Lois Lane. She deserves better material than a character that nags people for two-and-a-half hours. Zack Snyder is a wondrous talent, but with Man of Steel as his follow-up to the dreadful Sucker Punch, I'm beginning to worry that the genius that directed Dawn of the Dead (2004), 300 (2007), and Watchmen (2009) may be losing his spark. The real shame is the atrocious script from the talented David S. Goyer. In trying to reinvent the structure of this story, the plotting and pacing implodes in upon itself. With uneven editing, and more explosions than any of the Transformer movies, Man of Steel stands as the worst film of the year because it failed to ignite any semblance of enjoyment in its grand spectacle. Surprisingly, there is a suitable balance between style and substance. Unfortunately, the substance is weighed down by its overwhelming flaws and pompous attitude. 

Even kryptonite made a valiant effort to stay away.

...here's to 2014.